Numerous websites offer “Tips for How to Love Yourself”. A google search for “love yourself” produces more than a million hits. One site—written by a psychotherapist—gives such an extensive list of ways to “boost your self-love” that if you followed all the directions, you would be constantly talking to yourself. Writing yourself notes. Indulging your every whim and desire.
Another site includes a quote from Iyanla Vanzant: “I am the one I have been looking for,” she said. One lady suggests putting this on your bathroom mirror so you can say it to yourself every day: “I look in the mirror and what do I see? a beautiful lady staring back at me. Oh wow! I thought, who could that be? (then smile and say), oh! It’s only me.” She also includes this warning: “Don’t become too narcissistic or people will shun you.” One has to wonder: how narcissistic is “too narcissistic”?
So, what do you think? Is all this good and healthy? Are we supposed to “love ourselves”? To listen to the great spiritual leaders of our time (i.e., psychologists, psychiatrists and psychotherapists) one would think so. In fact, many Christian psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists (who shall remain nameless) agree and tell us we should indeed “love ourselves”. To listen to them, you’d think Jesus Himself commanded it. Remember the time Jesus was asked, “What commandment is the foremost of all?” (Mark 12:28)? Of course you do. Do you remember that He answered with a three-fold answer: “Love God, love your neighbor and love yourself”? Of course you don’t. He never said that.
When Jesus was asked, “What commandment is the foremost of all?” He gave a two-part answer: “Love God and love your neighbor.” Many teachers—some I respect very much—have tried to find three commandments in Jesus’ words. But “love yourself” just isn’t there. Jesus mentions only two commands: “The foremost…and the second.” The word “second” certainly limits the list Jesus gave us.
Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to love ourselves. But the Bible is not silent on the subject. Self-love is addressed in two ways in Scripture:
Self-love is assumed
This passage is a good example—Jesus assumes you love yourself. He told you to love your neighbor “as ourself.” As much as you love yourself. Another example where Scripture assumes we already love ourselves is Ephesians 5:28-30:
“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.”
Notice that Paul—under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit—did not write “…love their own wives as their own bodies, and if you don’t love yourselves, husbands, get busy and love yourselves!” Notice that Paul—under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit—did write, “…no one ever hated his own flesh…” Scripture assumes we love ourselves—and it is true. Even those who are self-destructive love themselves. They are willing to harm themselves to get someone to notice them. Some are even ready to take the drastic step of suicide in order to put themselves out of their own misery. What looks like self-hate—in reality—is self-love.
Self-love is sinful
The second thing the Bible teaches about self-love is that it is sinful. A negative thing. Usually, when you find “self” in front of another word in the Scriptures it is a bad thing. There are, of course, some exceptions. When the self is controlled and limited in some way, it is good. Self-control. Self-restraint.
But usually, self + something = sinful. Things like self-willed, self-exaltation and self-indulgence are a few examples that come to mind.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 is an excellent example: “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self…” Is this a good thing as many would have us believe? No. “Lovers of self” is the first item in a list that will characterize people who live in “the last days.” The rest of the list tells the complete story:
“But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.”
Self-love here is clearly sinful. It is “holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power”. Self-love is a counterfeit virtue. “Lovers of self” is in contrast to “lovers of God”. That’s the real love we should be pursuing. And that’s the real issue—the real battle. Sinful mankind is constantly faced with the temptation to dethrone God and exalt self. If you love self, you are not loving God. If you love God—really love God—you cannot love self. “Avoid such men (and women) as these.” I don’t think it would be inaccurate to say that first and foremost, we must avoid being such men and women.
What is a proper view of self?
Please don’t misunderstand. The Scriptures do not teach self-hate either. Self-hate is satanic. It is just as much a lie as self-love. Satan is a thief and a liar. He wants us to be “self-destructive.” Self-hate is not Biblical either.
The Scriptures teach us to have a proper self-worth. Not self-love. Not self-hate. Self-worth is an understanding that God has created us in His own image and He loves us. Paul wrote in Romans 12:3, “…I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment…” We should not think too highly of ourselves. Nor should we think too lowly of ourselves. We should think rightly about ourselves. Soberly. With sound judgment.
On the one hand, we have been created in the image of God and God loved us so much that He sent His only Son—the Second Person of the Trinity—to pay a high cost to reconcile us with God. Does that make you feel pretty special? It should. But don’t forget the other hand.
On the other hand, we are sinful and rebellious. We were created in the image of God, but we are not God. There is nothing in us that makes us worthy of God’s affection. Our worth is not found in ourselves, but in the fact that God created us and loves us.
Dr. Jay Adams—pastor, professor, counselor and author—got it right when he wrote, “Christ declared: ‘He who has found his life shall lose it, and he who has lost his life for my sake shall find it’ (Matthew 10:39), and ‘For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for my sake shall find it’ (Matthew 16:25). Clearly the one who seeks his identity in himself or in his relationship to other men will never find that which he seeks. It may be found only by the abandonment of one’s own desires and a willingness to follow Christ. Identity is found in Him; in letting loose of all else for His sake. One finds a satisfying identity nowhere else. Thus, love of self is not a biblically legitimate end. One is satisfied with himself only when he is in the proper relationship with Christ, having a clear conscience before God and men” (The Christian Counselor’s Manual: The Practice of Nouthetic Counseling; Zondervan: 1973; p.147).
One night when David was looking up at the stars, he whispered, “What is man that you take thought of him?” (Psalm 8:4). It didn’t make sense to David that God even thinks about us. It really doesn’t make sense that God loves sinful, rebellious, lowly mankind. But this is one of the great truths God Himself has revealed to us in His book. Our response should be the same one David had: Praise! “O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!” (Psalm 8:1,9).
